Puks

Those last few days were some of the hardest days of my life. It is never easy to abandon someone you care about, and that was what I was about to do to you. No matter how hard I try, I cannot forget those nights you cried yourself to sleep in my arms. I can still feel the way you trembled as I tried and failed to console you. Nothing I said was going to change our harsh reality. Those few months together had gone by too quickly and neither of us was ready to say good bye. You told me you never wanted to hurt again and there was nothing I wanted more than to grant you that wish, but life had other plans for us. You were my most loyal companion, always waiting for me with a smile when I came back from the schools. Just a look into your eyes would wipe away all the stress of the day. You gave me a glow that everyone could see. When I close my eyes, I remember the touch of your soft, smooth skin, the smell of your silky hair, the gentle glow of your warm brown eyes.

Those summer days we spent with each other were some of the best of my young life. The days we wasted in bed, staring into one another's eyes, those are the memories that no one can ever take away from us. Those are the memories I want of you. You looked into my soul and you told me you knew what kind of person I was, what I am capable of, and those words still move me to this day. You were my Little Puks, my Puk Sek Sek, and my swoi ma ma, but more than that, you were my best friend over there. That is why it kills me to think that you are alone. I remember the call when I was on the bus to Bangkok begging me to turn around like it was ten minutes ago. It broke my heart to hear you like that, I knew I had broken my promise to never hurt you. You say you will wait for me, but why must you do so? I don't want you to hurt, I don't want you to cry anymore. There are better men than me out in this world, and I hope that if you find one, you forget about me. More than anything, I want you to be happy and I know that I can't be the only man who can bring you joy and comfort. I hope one day soon you realize I'm just a normal guy, nothing special, and nothing worth waiting for.

The Other Side of Life

Karen home burned down by Burmese troops/

More burned homes

Casualties of genocide

Child slaves of Burmese Army

Man decapitated by Burmese troops

Burned Village

Scars from torture

5 year old child shot and killed by Burmese troops

Gunwound

Karen killed by Burmese Army

Man killed defending his village

Victim of attack who survived with horrible burns

-"We can make a difference. We can save lives. We can stop the genocide."

Kendrick Meek

Southern Thailand, Chiang Mai, and Vientiane

After experiencing the intensity of Bangkok for a week, I was more than ready for a week on the beach in Phuket. The island is incredibly beautiful and the sight of the numerous limestone islands that burst forth from the ocean is indescribable, the force of nature that created them millions of years ago is incomprehensible.

I really thought I was going to enjoy Phuket, but I ended up being let down. Finding a legitimate Thai experience in Phuket is not possible. It is a place created entirely for tourists and farang outnumber Thais easily 3 to 1. Most of the visitors are from Europe and Australia, some families on holiday and the rest are best compared to frat boys out looking to get drunk and laid. I did not find many single travelers while in Phuket. The prices are overinflated and the whole island makes Bangkok seem wholesome. I stayed near the infamous Banghla road which was basically a red-light district. Anyone looking to pay for sex would definitely not have a difficult time finding it.

The beach is indeed beautiful and the water is perfect, but my beach experience was limited to one day as I got one hell of a sunburn that kept me from laying out in the sun for the rest of the week. The beach is overcrowded and it is impossible to keep from being pestered by the scores of touters walking up and down looking to sell little trinkets or to convince you to overpay for jetski. After my second day in Phuket I quickly booked a ferry ticket to Koh Phi Phi island, which was sold as a beautiful get away from the tourist-infested Phuket.

Phi Phi is most definitely an incredibly beautiful island, and the lack of motorized vehicles makes it much quieter than Phuket, but it's hardly a get away from tourists as I imagine 90% of the islands inhabitants are from England, Ireland, Australia, or Northern Europe. I would definitely recommend visiting Phi Phi, but as a single traveler it can be very lonely at times. Most of the people there are traveling in large groups and are inbetween 18-21 years old looking to be drunk through as much of the day as possible. The bars are lively and going to a bar on the beach is fun, but the people there are hardly warm and inviting like they are in a city like Bangkok, which most of these tourists avoid because they are too intimidated by it. On my last night on Phi Phi, I met two friendly Berkeley grads and we had a great time drinking on the beach and watching the World Cup final between Holland and Spain. Most on the island were supporting Holland, due to the large number of Dutch visiting, but they all left disappointed as Spain proved why it was the favorite from day 1.

After two more days in Phuket, it was time to go to Chiang Mai, a portion of the trip I was highly anticipating. I took the night train from Bangkok, which was a great experience. I sat across from a 75 year old Red Shirt who barely spoke english but tried his best to teach me helpful Thai expressions and phrases while buying me Heineken after Heineken. I found sleeping on the night train to be very difficult and only got two hours of sleep, if that. My first night in the city, I walked around the famous Night Bazaar and decided that I was going to call it an early night. As luck would have it, while walking back to my room, I ran into an Australian named Sandy who insisted I join him that night while he went bar hopping. I ended up having a great night and ended up meeting a nice Thai girl named Pukie, an ex-bar girl who quit her job because she refused to act like she liked the disgusting old men who routinely visit Thai bars, who has since helped make my time in Chiang Mai a great one. (Side note: all farang looking for a normal Thai girl, be ready to buy their food and drinks as it's expected that the male shows them a good time, but rest assured they'll make sure to return the favor.) I was able to check out early from my guest house as she invited me to stay at her apartment, which was a nice experience.

My week flew in Chiang Mai flew by and it was time for my visa run to Vientiane. The trip included a ride on a "VIP Bus" which was nothing more than a packed van with overpowering A/C. Sleep aboard this vessel was literally impossible for more than 10-20 minutes at a time. One time I was incredibly excited because I had dosed off for an entire 50 minutes! To say the least it was a miserable experience. Unfortunately, the worst had yet to come. We arrived in Nong Khai at 6am where I learned I had to pay an extra 200 baht to be able to continue across the border into Laos. We were served free breakfast, toast and jam with tea, but that was hardly worthwhile as no one could finish their toast before their plate was swarmed by bees after the jelly. I had to abandon mine a few bites in. From there we hoped onto one bus that took us through Thai immigration across the Thai-Laos Friendship Bridge to Laos Immigration. There I learned I had to pay 1,540 baht to apply for an entrance Visa to their country which included an overtime charge because we arrived before 8am, which is funny seeing as all bus services take tourists to Laos immigration before 8, not the last time I would be ripped off in Laos. There they made the British and American tourists wait for over an hour to get approved, while letting everyone else go through after 20-30 minutes, again not the last time I would encounter anti-farang sentiment while in Laos. Again, the worst was yet to come.

After finally crossing the border, it was time to get dropped off at the Thai Embassy to get my 3 month visa, but as I got off the bus, the driver closed the door and drove away before I could grab my bag. Great, there goes all my clothes, somewhere into Vientiane. No time to track the bus down, I only had an hour to get my visa application in, couldn't let the trip become a complete waste. After filling in my application and getting to the counter, I learned that the paper work I had, which was supposed to be enough to get my 3 month visa, was not acceptable. I could only get a tourist visa. Shit, what a disaster this trip was becoming. No time to linger on the visa rejection, I had to find my suitcase. I found a tuk-tuk driver and asked him to take me to a guest house near by. He overcharged me to take me to an overpriced guest house with an unfriendly staff. I was able to call my travel agent who tracked down the bus and told me they would deliver the bag where they dropped me off, the Thai Embassy, at 5:30pm. I had time to kill so I decided to walk around Vientiane, which is an underwhelming city. The city is strewn with half-constructed buildings with no sign of anyone working on them or anyone working on them in a while. The other buildings look old and dilapidated and every other building is the Ministry of something or other with a giant Laos crest on the front. Every building flies both the Laos flag and the well-known sickle and hammer flag. On every street corner are police in their Communist uniforms sitting around doing nothing. Homeless people urinating on walls are a common site while walking the broken sidewalks of Vientiane. Laos claims to be The Land of Smiles and of Wholehearted People, but I didn't find many on my excursion. I was commonly glared at and on one occasion a man stared at me, yelled something in Laotian, stomped the ground, and positioned himself so his back was to me as I walked by. At this point, I was incredibly homesick for Thailand.

Next, it was time to get my bag back. I got a tuk-tuk to take me to the Embassy only to find that it was closed and that my bag was not there. Great, my travel agent was wrong. I had to find out where that bus was going to be. Luckily my tuk-tuk driver was willing to help me. We drove to one bus station, nope wrong one, across the city to the other bus station, nope not here. My hope was dimming and I started to think I was going to have to replace all my clothes, but my tuk-tuk driver wasn't going to give up. He went to a business run by one of his friends and asked him if he knew where that bus would be, and thank God, he knew. We went to that bus stop and that bus hadn't arrived yet. We waited for over an hour and then the bus showed up with my bag. As with all my experiences in Laos, it didn't come without an overly steep price as the bus driver extorted me for 40,000 kip, about 160 baht, to get my bag. The guy was a rotten bastard but I was relieved to get my clothes back. I gave the tuk-tuk driver 100,000 kip for taking 3 hours of his day to run me around Vientiane to help me find my bag, he was a good man. That night I drank many BeerLao, the only beer you can buy in Vientiane outside of Heineken and Carlsburg, and sang Karaoke at a bar with only Laotians beside the Mekong River.

The next day I got my passport back from the embassy and endured another fee, this time for exiting Laos, and a long van trip to Chiang Mai. I got back at 6am and couldn't be happier to be out of Laos.

My First Week in the Land of Smiles

The flight over was a long one, sitting 14 hours in a middle seat of China Air, which doesn't put nearly enough leg room for us large Americans. The whole flight over I experienced a range of emotions I didn't think was possible, ranging from intense excitement to overwhelming fear. Traveling on one's own is a very intimidating process. Questions of whom will I meet, how will I manage without a single friend for support, and am I cut out for this are just a few of the thoughts I considered during those long hours on my plane. Looking around it is very obvious that I will be in a world I am nowhere near accustomed to. I am one of the few Americans on that flight; for the first time ever I will be a minority.

As we neared Taipei I became increasingly anxious to get off the plane and to finally get my boots on the ground of The Far East. Even though I only spent 12 hours in Taipei, I found the Tiawanese to be a very friendly people. Sitting outside of my hotel, I was approached numerous times by the women who worked there who all seemed very interested in talking to a young American male. I could tell this was going to be a good trip.

The flight to Bangkok was much more comfortable as it only had about 40% of the seats filled. It is obvious that the world is still wary of traveling to Thailand after the protests that occurred earlier in the year. My taxi driver was a very friendly fellow, a common trait amongst the Thai people. I had heard stories about how the taxi drivers like to take Westerners for a much longer spin than necessary, but this man was not one of them. He filled me in on as much Thai history and culture as he could. I found out that most Thais do not support the Red Shirts and they find the idea of civil war as an incredibly unattractive option. Violence and conflict is just not in the blood of the average Thai person. I also came to realize how much the Thai people love their king and queen, or Rama. Listening to him talk about Rama Taksin was very similar to listening to Sean Hannity speak about a Conservative or Kieth Olbermann talking about Obama.

The hostel I stayed in, Lub*d, was very clean and the staff was very friendly, even though their English knowledge is very basic. After setting up my bed and locker, I decided it was time to explore the hectic city that is Bangkok. I made a mistake and hopped into one of the notorious tuk-tuks that race around the city. The driver proceeded to take me to a cell phone store, where I'm sure I overpaid for my Nokia phone, and then he took me to a tailor shop, even though I repeatedly told him "No." There I was hassled by the shop owner to buy a suit to "make me look smart" until I left. I made the mistake of telling the driver I needed to get a ticket to Chiang Mai and Phuket and he proceeded to take me to what I am sure was an overpriced travel agent. Naively I booked a roundtrip flight to Phuket, which included accommodation, and my ticket aboard the night train to Chiang Mai.

After returning to my hostel I figured it was time to start talking to the other travelers in the hostel. I met some very friendly British guys, Patrick and Damian, who took me under their wing and gave me the low down on traveling in Bangkok. I am very grateful I met these two as they gave me priceless knowledge. After meeting some British lads and "birds," there are a lot of British travelers in South East Asia, we all took a trip to Koh Sahn Road, a notorious bar district in downtown Bangkok. There I encountered the night scene that attracts many a pervert to Thailand. Hookers, bar girls, and the infamous "lady-boys" strolled the street groping and flirting with me every chance they got. For a much lonelier and weaker man, the temptation would be impossible to refuse, many of these girls are just drop-dead gorgeous, except for the lady-boys who have an a rather deep voice. (For all who wish to travel to Thailand and indulge in its seedier aspects, that is the tell-tale sign you're talking to a "post-op.")

The next morning, I woke up with quite the hangover and decided to keep my sightseeing to the immediate area surrounding the hostel. That night we met some more British guys, two Canadians, and three Scottish lasses and spent the night drinking at the hostel. It was not a very noteworthy night.

The next day, I got up finally recovered from my jet lag and determined to go do some sightseeing. I spent the day at the Grand Palace, traveling there by the public river transit, which I definitely recommend. The Grand Palace was quite the sight, incredibly ornate architecture that may even put the Vatican to shame. The trip got tiring after a few hours and the humidity was shocking. Going to the Grand Palace one must wear pants, which was torturous in that heat and I sweat like I never thought I would just standing around. The locals all seemed to get a kick out of seeing a sweating farang, they wear long pants and shirts all day and they never seem to break a sweat. That night me and the crew decided to go to another seedy bar district called Patpong, which was just a 10 minute walk from the hostel. There the streets are lined with Thai men trying to get you to go to a "ping pong show," which is a show where women shoot ping pong balls and smoke cigarettes out of their pussies. Gratefully, the croud I hung with was not interested in seeing these shows, as they tend to be a place where farangs get hassled and threatened by mafia types to pay exorbitant amounts upwards of 5,000 baht per beer they had at the show. Along the street are also many "lady bars" or strip clubs which are full of gorgeous Thai women who use them as a front for prostitution. We also avoided these as none of us were interested in paying for sex.

The next morning I was rudely awaken by "Tourist Sickness" which led me to regret I forgot to pack myself Immodium. That day I did nothing and booked a private room in a hotel down the road to avoid getting any of my roommates sick with whatever I may have gotten.

On sunday I woke up feeling much better. The two Brits I met initially and I took a trip on the Sky Train to MBK, one of the most insane and confusing malls I had ever been to. Each stall was packed with the same merchandise all of which use beautiful Thai girls to try and reel in the suckers. That night we took a trip to the Sukhimvit, another one of Bangkok's seedy night districts. The streets were relatively quite, which was a little disappointing. One street outside a hotel was lined with more hookers than I had ever seen. Probably a hundred stood with their backs to the street, a sign they are prostitutes, each groping at us as we walked by. It was quite the sight.

On monday, I took a tour out to Kanchanaburi where I got to go visit the Bridge over the River Kwai, built by prisoners captured by the Japanese during WWII. It's a bridge and railroad that took the lives of thousands of men who were forced to work in horrible conditions by the Japanese. After that somber site, I headed out to go Elephant trekking with two other Americans, the first Americans I had met on the trip, a Hungarian girl, a Lebanese man who had moved to America to find himself a better life, and a South African man who had been suckered into overpaying for the tour while being taken for a ride by a tuk-tuk driver a few days before. It was a very interesting group of people whom I had a great time with. When you travel alone through a foreign country you get the chance to meet people that you would never get to meet while sitting in the comfort of your home. After Elephant trekking, which was fun but incredibly uncomfortable, we went and had lunch on a floating restaurant. It was such a beautiful and tranquil experience and afterwards I realized why the Thais are such a peaceful people. They live a simple life out in the country unconcerned about the newest technologies and problems of the world. They appreciate what they have and do not ask for more. For these people, less is more. After lunch, we took a river raft trip on a raft built with bamboo. We got to stick out feet in the water as we slowly drifted down the river, one of my most favorite experiences so far in Thailand. From there we took a bus to the Tiger Temple, which was the experience of a lifetime. Never before had I been so close to tigers and I can't lie, even though they are all asleep, it was one of the most intimidating moments of my life. Getting so close to the creatures I saw just how big and powerful these animals are. If they were to wake up angry, it would take the smallest effort to rip off my face. I would not want to stumble across one of these beasts in the wild.

My week in Bangkok was one of highs and lows. There were moments where I loved it and times where I couldn't wait to leave. In the end, I was sad to leave. It is a hectic and seedy city, but there are many good people who live there. There are some bad Thais who are looking to rip you off, but the majority are good and honest. Even if you are to get ripped off, in reality you are only getting ripped off by 2-3 USD. Most Thais who have some English knowledge love to approach Westerners to just talk. They love to have little conversations with farangs. Taxi and tuk-tuk drivers will never say they won't take you to a location, it seems that "No" is not part of their vocabulary. After one day in Thailand it is very apparent why it is known as the Land of Smiles. Walking around if you happen to catch the eye of a Thai give them a smile and they will most definitely smile back, especially the women. The week raced by and it made me very excited for what is ahead. I can already tell that by the time my volunteering commitment is over, this all will feel like it went by in the blink of an eye.

And now

I play the waiting game

Why I want to teach english in Thailand

My entire life has been a tale of one misstep after the other. I have consistently failed to make the most of the talents that I have. Whenever life has presented me with an obstacle, I have typically turned and run away. I am now determined to change that and I know that here in America, that will never happen. When it comes to teaching english in Thailand, it's not a matter of want but need. I need to get out of this country I am in now. Out here there is nothing for me. The happiest I've been in recent weeks has been when I think about moving overseas. I need to prove to myself that I can survive and succeed as a stranger in a strange land and I will work tirelessly to make sure that I achieve this goal.

Recently I have realized that the man that I am now is nothing to be content with. I need to make a story of my life because as it sits now, it's nothing worth mentioning. I need to go make a positive impact on people's lives, as I struggle to do that in America. I need to go help children make the most of their lives, infuse them with the confidence that they need, the confidence I never had growing up. I need to give children hope that they can make something great of their lives, and I need to try and give them the skills to do so. I have let down the people close to me in this country and I need to prove to them that I can become a better man. I am confident that this experience will get me closer to becoming that man.

I hope to discover what I never could here at home; love, happiness, and myself.

Feedback Requested

Note: This is a prologue of sorts for a story I may or may not want to make into a film. I've come up with it today and I felt like I needed to get it down on paper, or virtual paper in this case. Let me know what you think, it may or may not influence how I proceed with it.

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Scene opens up in a room lit by a single overhead light. There is a man tied down to a chair being tortured by Islamic terrorists in a remote part of the Indonesian Jungle. The camera slowly pushes in on the man as the voiceover begins.

Voiceover Narration:

There are few people in this world who have the undefinable, or is it indefinable, that quality known as "it." Now at first glance, Larry Bridges, that man bound to the chair there in the middle of the room, he doesn't appear to possess this "it." That's understandable, just look at him, face beaten and bloody, clothes tattered and torn, but a wise man on television once told me, well he told the kids on the TV show anyhow, that external appearances can be deceiving. I think it was an episode about being nice to nerdy kids or something, but that's besides the point. Right now Larry is just in another tough spot, the man has conquered problems before. I'm not saying this man is immune to mistakes or death, obviously I don't think he ever intended to end up here, surrounded by these crazy terrorizers or Islumists or whatever you like to call them, but that don't mean he's just about to let himself die. What these guerillas don't know is they've already put themselves behind the 8-ball, they already think they got him beat and it's a dangerous game to underestimate Larry Bridges. Now I ain't saying Larry's for sure going to survive this little encounter, all I'm saying is that if I were a betting man, which I happen to be, I'd put down $500, no $1,000, yeah $1,000 that Larry gets out of this with little more than some cuts, bruises, and maybe missing a few pints of blood. How am I so sure of this? Well I'd tell you to take a look into his eyes and tell me differently if they weren't swollen shut so I'll have to convince you another way. I hope you're comfy, got a snack and your beverage of choice so I can tell you about this Larry Bridges, maybe then you'll know what I'm talking about.

Cut to Black

The Beginning

So here it is, I'm finally done with school. 22 years of working towards the piece of paper I'm going to be handed in a few weeks. I've surprised myself with how little I have been effected by the thought of entering the "real world." Last year I would've thought for sure this would've been an incredibly frightening moment of my life, but it hasn't phased me yet and I really don't think it's going to. Sure I may become nostalgic here and there as I walk around campus, but in no way am I not ready to leave. Letting go of the college lifestyle is something that must be done.

When I think back to a few years ago, who I was back then, I can't help but be amazed at how far I've come. Berkeley, the Bay Area, will always be the place where I realized what I am, and what I can be. I will never forget about it, the adventures, the people, the good times or the bad. Before Berkeley, I was a boy doing all that he could to appear like a man. Now I can confidently say that I no longer just appear to be a man, and I have this place, those people to thank.

I now know who I am and what I am. I am a leader, someone who demands respect, someone who will do things my way, someone who won't just quit. I used to care about what everyone thought about me. I never thought people would ever or could ever see something worthwhile in me, but now I see how foolish all that was. I'm not on this planet to follow, I'm not here to make everyone happy. I'm here to be great and I won't let myself get held back by people who don't know what they are talking about anyways. I accept that failure is a possibility but I promise myself that I won't let it stop me. I won't rest until I've proven any doubters wrong.

I have a message to anyone who may decide to try and knock this train off its tracks, anyone who will try to bring me down...good luck. Don't make the mistake of underestimating me, don't try and pull one over on me. Anyone who thinks they can use me as a pawn, I'll show you how wrong you are. No one will stop me from making my life what I want it to be.

For me, this ride has just begun and I'm ready to stop talking and start doing, I'm confident that when all is said and done, I won't be disappointed.

Moving Day

I remember waking up to my alarm, it's 4:00 am. This is it, I just finished my last night of sleep at home. No more thinking and talking about it, moving day is here. I sit in my bed staring at the ceiling scared to death about what is about to come. I could barely sleep last night, but this nervous anxiety has me wide awake. Kyle is going to be here soon, I can't put off getting ready for much longer. I hop in the shower and finish packing what I have left. I look outside, here comes Kyle's SUV, it's time to go. It's time to say those good-byes.

Saying good-bye to Mom, Rachel, and Ian won't be easy. I didn't expect that saying good-bye to my dad a few days earlier was going to be as hard as it was, so there's no way this will be any easier. Yep, Mom's already crying and I haven't said anything yet. Wait, something's wrong with Ian and Rachel too. What's going on? "Grandma died last night." Sweet Jesus, I talked to her just two days before and she was doing fine, now she's gone. What a day this has been and it's just 4:30 in the morning. I look at my mom and I don't know what to do. What do you say to somebody who just heard that she lost her mother? Especially when I'm about to leave her also. I've never seen her this upset, at least it's been years since I have.

Grandma? I remember how proud you were when I told you that I had been accepted to Berkeley. You were one of the first to know. Now you're gone forever. The whole situation has me in shock. I just stand there speechless. I knew this would be hard, but now it's become more difficult than I could ever imagine. Kyle's at the door, I quickly hand him my stuff and tell him I'll be down to the car shortly. First I say good-bye to Rachel and Ian. I tell them to look after Mom, she'll need them to be there for her more than ever these next few days. I need them to be strong for her. They need to be what I cannot. I have faith in them. Rachel and Mom have always been close and Ian is still her little baby, even if he is 17. I know she's going to be in good hands.

Now it's time to say good-bye to Mom. I don't say anything, there's nothing to be said. I don't know what is hurting her more, grandma's death or me flying the coup on the same day. I want to stay but I know I can't. I want to be able to be there for her now, but I know that's not possible. I just give her a big bear hug, that's all that I can do and I know that's all she wants. All of a sudden she straightens up and asks me if I'm sure I packed everything I needed to pack. This reminds me why I love her, no matter what happens, she'll never stop being Mom.

I get into Kyle's car, I see all my belongings in the back and Kyle and Mel are all smiles. I can barely talk and all I want to do is break down into tears but I don't. I think I'm still in shock. Now it's time to pick up Brent and hit the road to San Francisco. Like for most of my life I'm trapped in my head during the drive, I don't display my emotions, I'm Cancer refusing to leave the confines of my shell.

The sun begins to rise as we approach Los Angeles on the freeway. I can see the LA skyline in the distance and I wonder to myself how much I'll miss this place. I finally realize I'm leaving my safety net; time for new surroundings whether I like it or not. The day has just begun, but I'm ready for bed.

My New Project

A few months ago, Brandon and I were talking about how lucky we were to be able to get the opportunity to go to a school like UC Berkeley and to be able to live in one of most beautiful places in the world here in the Bay Area. While reminiscing on the past, Brandon challenged me to create a top 10 list of experiences had up here at Berkeley, to think about which moments I will never forget. I didn't really put much thought into it at the time, but now I have decided to come up with my top ten moments here in the Bay Area. They aren't going to be in any specific order, this is not a ranking, it's just ten moments that I will never forget.

Part 1 coming soon

April 2, 2010

Today, I swallow my pride.

Life and Times in Berkeley, CA

What Are We?

Hopelessness, cynicism, and despair are diseases that infect the minds of too many young, talented adults who have yet to make their impact on this world. Once they have infected the mind of a man who has yet to discover himself, they take hold and tear down the soul. They become a way of life, they hold domain over all thoughts and actions day in and day out. Once someone has been fully overtaken by this perfect storm, they fade away into obscurity.

What happened to you? What happened to the person we came to know and love? Where did it all go wrong? Everything in life has been handed to you on a silver platter yet you refuse to take hold of it. You are blessed to have what you have, but, so far, you have failed to take advantage of what you have been given. You have a gift that is extremely rare, but you have decided not to share it with the world. There is someone out there who is waiting for you to come into their life to show them what love is, but you've decided not to go looking. Instead you've convinced yourself that the only emotions you will experience are loneliness, sorrow, and despair. You've embraced depression like a long-lost lover and you don't know how to let go.

When I look into the future, I've always imagined that you would be present at all of the major moments of my life, for the first major success of my career, for my wedding day, and for the birth of my first child, but it seems you may have other plans. You see yourself firmly planted six feet under while we continue on with our lives and you seem to have accepted this as the only road you have to travel down. You have stopped looking for the turn-offs and are going full speed ahead. You may see this as some sort of selfless act, a gesture straight out of a novel from the Romantic period. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but nothing could be further from the truth. Who are you to decide when we are no longer a part of your life and you're no longer a part of ours? You call me a brother, but you have no concern for the pain this would cause. How are we supposed to act when we realize you didn't feel that we we were worth living for? Were all of those times when we were there for you when you needed us the most nothing but a waste? All of those times when we were your family when your family kicked you out of your own house? We fought for you, we felt for you, we suffered with you but your response to that is, "I think it's time to quit."

Humans are capable of anything they put their mind to. We have the ability to be whatever we want to be, but some people struggle to believe this. We can be in love, we can be in pain, we can be bored, we can be exhilarated, we can be the leader as well as the follower, we can be the center of attention, or the lonely wallflower.

Nothing is hopeless, the future is not for certain, we have every chance to make it great. We have a chance to leave a legacy for future generations to aspire to. I don't want anymore of your doom and gloom because that's not what I believe in. When I was going through the roughest patch of my withdrawals after quitting smoking, I stumbled across a quote that struck a chord inside of me. Early in World War II, the Nazis seemed to be blazing their path to victory. They had taken over France and were in the middle of a ferocious bombing campaign meant to turn Great Britain into a giant heap of rubble. War had arrived at the footsteps of a nation that didn't want it. Innocent civilians were dying left and right; it would've been very easy to just surrender. The British people looked to their leader, Winston Churchill, for an answer to make it all stop and he told them, "If you are going through hell, keep walking."

Don't give up yet, because we haven't given up on you. Just remember, we are what we can be.

Our America

This past Sunday, I, with a hundred million viewers from around the country, watched the great American spectacle known as The Super Bowl. As is the case with every Super Bowl, the NFL made sure to put on a grandiose pre-game show that included a rendition of "America the Beautiful" and "The Star Spangled Banner." As a child and a teenager I would sit through these national songs and even have a swell of national pride come over me, but not this year. For the first time, I couldn't bear to sit through this nationalistic pageantry. I couldn't be witness to such propaganda. As I get closer and closer to graduation and the "real world," I've been thinking and wondering about what lies ahead for me, and each day it becomes more and more obvious that the road ahead will not be an easy one. This is the reality that faces many of us fresh-faced college graduates.

We have our parents generation to thank for the future that awaits us. The economic uncertainty stems from more than just the Bush years, the seed was planted when the government began deregulating banks and corporations during the 60s and 70s. The 80s and 90s were the beginning of the end of American dominance, when the government turned a blind eye to corporate corruption because it was reaping the rewards of a booming economy and there's no need to recap what's happened the past few years. America is in debt and we're going to be left with the bill, and it's a huge one.

What happened to this country where we can grow up to be whatever we want to be? What happened to the perpetual prosperity that we were supposedly blessed with? Well, those days are over, if they ever existed at all outside of American folklore. The America that we will be presiding over when it's our time to take the reins, will be a far cry from the country we were promised. Our time at the top is over, the last generation has made sure of it. As a country, we became so arrogant we felt there were jobs that were below us, so the corporations sent them over seas. We wanted cheap material goods, but American companies weren't in the business of making cheap goods, we need oil to power our economy but decide to get it from somewhere else, so we imported billions and billions of dollars worth of goods from other countries, however we decided to only export a fraction of what we were bring in. To the surprise of those in charge, spending more money than we made for the past few decades seems to have caught up to us.

As the baton gets passed to us, we must find a way to reverse the course we are on. The problem is, how exactly do we find a way to get this done? Theoretically, we should be able to make the necessary changes through our centuries old, time tested democratic system. Unfortunately for us, if nothing drastic changes in these next few years, we will have two choices to choose from, a democrat or a republican. After witnessing what has taken place during my young life, I can't help but feel both these parties will run us into the ground. The 2010 elections are coming this November and it is panning out to be a landslide victory for the Republicans, I hope you enjoyed running the government these past few years Democrats because it looks like your position as the majority is over. Not that it will change anything, the Democrats couldn't push through a meaningful piece of legislation while they owned the "super majority" in congress anyways. The most amusing part of it all is that they are going to be replaced by the same people who we were so unhappy with a year and a half ago that we voted in nothing but Democrats. So what does that mean for us? Just more of the same.

Each generation always wants to improve from their parents generation, it's not a new phenomenon. The past few generations have done a tremendous job of keeping the status quo in this country, that is a mistake that we cannot afford to make. The system as it is today is run by special interests who have their hands in all the politicians pockets. With the Supreme Court's recent ruling that money=free speech, enjoy trying to make your voice count as much as Bank of America's or Chevron's. These are the forces that have brought our country and our people to its knees. Now one may argue that these corporations have a right to have a voice in general elections since they employ so many Americans, however, we must realize that all of these corporations have only one moral obligation and that is to their share holders. Should an entity with such a narrow interest be able to hold sway in elections that are meant to advance the common good of the country's citizens? I say no. Our politicians speak about the common good, but they only serve those with the narrow interests and this is a problem that will not solve itself and will only get worse as time goes on.

Democrats and Republicans have been compromised. They cannot be trusted. We must disband this two party machine if we ever want true progress to be made. It's time for us to realize that we don't HAVE to vote Democrat or Republican, in a democracy we're allowed to have more than two choices and really should. Each year a new politician comes out campaigning for the little guy saying he/she will take on the special interests in Washington only to go and do exactly what they said they wouldn't. A new party must become a legitimate threat to put pressure on Dems and Reps so they will be forced to become accountable for their failures. Our generation must be the one that makes this happen. We know this system is broken and we are smart and resourceful enough to fix it, but we must take a stand and let our government know that we won't be made pawns to their political game anymore. How many times can you try to draw water out of a dry well before you realize that there's no water in it? Well our parents have tried over and over and look where it got us. I feel that it is our moral obligation to make sure that this ends when it is our turn to take control or else we will be dooming future generations to relive our mistakes. So everyone out there who wants real change, it is time to stop compulsively voting Democrat or Republican or else your voice will never really matter. Congratulations Green party, you have my vote from here on out, or at least until a party that actually represents the people's needs makes a move towards power.

Deep Breath Before the Plunge

So I guess I envision myself some kind of a writer or something, however, I haven't written anything out of pleasure for a few years now. I've decided one way to solve this problem is to set up my own blog. It doesn't matter to me if no one reads this as long as I finally get myself doing what I claim I enjoy doing so much. To all of you who stumble across this pothole while navigating your way through the internet, I hope you enjoy or hate what I have to say, just as long as it elicits some form of emotion from you.